Egomonogatari - 自我物語
by AgainstAuthority
Summary: Kanbaru comes home to find that her house has been invaded! On her couch sits a notorious anarchist infamous for making communists cry, and he refuses to leave! Can Kanbaru find out his true intentions? Can she defeat all spooks? Can she successfully molest Araragi? Can she get her stolen BL novel back? Maybe! With a premise as shallow as this, anything can happen!
1. The Ego and Her Own

**Egomonogatari /** **自我物語**

 **Chapter 1**

* * *

A man appeared in my house today. He was foreign looking, but he spoke perfect Japanese. I don't know why he's here. I don't know HOW he got here. I don't know what he wants either. I DO know who he is, though. At least, I know his name. He told me his name casually, without even raising his eyes from the book he was reading.  
The book he picked up from my shelf- without even asking I might add.

Every so often he'd chuckle like I wasn't there, and mumble something like  
"...that theory has no bearing to real life. It's just a formless thought... A spook, really."

The strange thing is that he was simply reading a BL-novel I purchased a while ago. I don't know what kind of philosophies he could get from that.  
Anyway, when I got home I hesitantly said hello to him, and just hovered around for a while, thinking he was a friend of my grandmother.

He wasn't.  
When I asked him, he admitted he didn't even know I had a grandmother. He didn't know who I was either, for that matter.

It's not like he's bothering me, nor is he scaring me, but... why is he here? I came home from school and he was just lounging on my couch. Smoking a cigarette like he owned the place.

"I do own the place," he said casually, "everything in the world is my property."

"How do you figure that?" I was kinda upset, you might imagine.

He shrugged. "Everything in this world is mine. I just need to attain power over it."

"Everything is yours?"

"Everything. Even you."

I shuddered. Never mind what I said earlier, he was definitely scary.

"Don't worry though," he laughed, "I have no desire to attain power over you."

"What's that supposed to mean?" All of a sudden I felt inadequate, even though I didn't know the guy. Damn.

"Who the hell are you anyway?" I demanded.

Finally, he put my book down. "Who am I?" he repeated.

After standing up, he assumed a pose I swear he got straight from JoJo, with his arms crossed along his face, his hands doing some sort of symbol, and his coat fluttered in some imaginary wind.

Is he a chuuni or what?

"Behold! I am the creative nothing! Everything in the world is mine!" he exclaimed like he was the final boss of a videogame.  
His glasses even flashed when he introduced himself.

...Yeah, definitely a chuuni.

"..."

I had nothing to say. I think this guy ran away from a mental asylum or something. That would explain some things.

For a moment, he just kept standing there fully confident in himself... though a sweatdrop rolled down his cheek eventually.

He coughed. "My name's Max Stirner," he finally relented.

"Great. Can you get out of my house now?" I said.

He laughed. "You mean MY house, right?"

"Like hell I do! And put the cigarette out while you're at it, have some manners!"

He scoffed at the idea. "Manners?" he said, "You realise manners are just useless social constructs designed by elites to distinguish themselves from the common folk, right?"  
He looked kinda smug when he said it.

This fuckin' guy, I swear.  
"Whatever they are, I still don't want this place to stink, so put it out."

He sighed, and to my surprise he pressed the ember of the cigarette into the palm of his hand.  
"I'm not doing this because you requested me to," he explained, "I'm doing this for my own sake. Seeing you unhappy makes me unhappy too- ergo, I will abide for now."

"Okay...?"  
That reply was kind of tsundere, wasn't it?  
It seemed like that was the end of the conversation anyway.

He turned back to the BL novel like it was high class literature...

I hope to god he doesn't actually enjoy it. I'm not prejudiced at all- but a guy his age enjoying BL is just... well, I'd rather not continue.  
The silver lining of this VERY dark cloud was, thankfully, that he didn't like the story.

"This is the worst thing I read in years," he commented.

"I'm glad you say that," I replied, somehow relieved, "If it's bad, why don't you put it down? And leave?

"I think I'll throw it in the incinerator later..." he mumbled.

"What?"  
It's one thing to break into my house, but to do this to my precious books...

"I'm burning this in the incinerator later," he repeated, "I'm pretty sure I was speaking clearly."

"Yeah, I heard what you said just fine! That's not the problem here! I won't let you burn my stuff!"

"Oh? So you think you can stop me? I AM the creative nothing, after all- I'd like to see you try. Anyway, the book's mine now."

"I can stop you. I WILL stop you, you hear me!?"

I lunged at him, ready to grab the book, but he was off like speeding bullet, and I crashed into the couch he was sitting on not a split second earlier. With his coat flapping behind him, he sprinted out of the living area and into the hallway.

"Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm burning this right now! It belongs in the trash! Any other opinion regarding the book is a spook and should be ignored! I'm doing you and the world a favour here!"

Damnit. I can't believe I've gotten into this situation.

"Wait up you fruitloop! I'm calling the police I swear!"

"The justice system is a spook!"

"Just give me my book back!"

"Never! I've attained power over it! I've attained power-!" he yelled while waving the novel that cost me 300 yen around like it was a treasure, looking smug as all hell. "You can't attain power over it again! You're my property anyway!"

The guy was fast.  
He would've gotten away too but he fell right on his face when he reached an opened shoji leading outside.  
Quite dramatically I might say. Waving his arms and yelling and everything.  
I guess he tripped on the step in the doorway that lead to my garden or something.

Whatever happened, I pounced him anyway, and we rolled out onto the veranda around my house.

Using all of my knowledge regarding martial arts, I tried to wrestle the book from his hands, but he held onto it like a little kid, muttering  
"My- prop- er- ty..."

"Whaddaya mean, _'my property'_!? It's goddamn softcore yaoi you fruit, what do you care!?"

Unrelenting, he held on, his knuckles even went white as he clutched 'his property', while wearing a fierce expression like he was fighting for his dear life.  
The book stretched so far I was afraid it'd rip in half.

Then, it has really come to this.  
On the man who broke into my house, I will use my secret technique to get my property back.  
One, two, here goes-

The karate chop to his forehead was successful.  
He passed out instantly the moment my hand connected with a thwack sound, and let go of the book.

I sighed. Today was tiring.

Seeing as the man was out cold, I could drag him by his feet and drop him on the street later, so the garbage collectors can pick him up. But first, I'm hiding my books and locking the door to my room.

When I came back, he was still there, except he was awake. The only difference from before was that now he had started smoking again.

"You're still here?" I said, "I thought you'd have run away after being defeated by a girl."

He looked kinda pitiful laying there, but he spoke very gently and calm-

"Shame is just a spook." he said, "It's an immaterial concept, so my loss doesn't bother me one bit. I would never run away just because I was embarrassed. It's impressive you beat me, actually."

All things considered, that attitude was admirable at least.

"Just don't steal my things anymore. They're, like, mine. Does your head hurt, by the way?"

He sighed.

"Don't worry about that. Empathy is also a spook, so don't get entangled in it. More importantly, you defended your right to power admirably, so I won't complain no matter how much it hurts. Damn. I underestimated you too... You're stronger than you seem."

Again I really had no idea what to say.  
Was he trying to flatter me, or insulting me with that line? He didn't elaborate.

"Right." I started. It seemed he calmed down. "Well. Okay. Now that that romp's over, can you tell me what's going on here? Or more specifically, why you're in my house in the first place?"

"Your house," he said with a very serious expression, "...looked super comfortable to live in. That's why it's mine now."

"Are you serious? Leaving aside the house's ownership, _that_ is why you broke in?"

He grinned. I can't believe this guy.

I was about to drag him away by his feet (even though he was now lucid) when he spoke up again.

"Well, I'll be honest," he said. I just stopped short of grabbing his ankles. I'll listen to him for now...

"Your house does look like it's super comfortable, but that's not why I'm here." He furrowed his eyebrows, and if he wasn't still on the floor he'd actually look kinda smart.

"Actually, the reason why I'm here is..."

-his glasses flashed-

"... because I sensed a powerful immaterial presence inside of this house."

"A powerful presence...?"  
My heart skipped a beat right when he said that, and I subconsciously reached for my bandaged arm. He couldn't have sensed that, could he? He was here before I arrived, but maybe he felt a lingering power in the air and went to investigate. Either way, I didn't expect that. Who is this guy really?  
He was still on the wooden planks of the veranda, inhaling smoke like it was the most normal thing in the world.  
This guy actually caught me off guard...  
I squared my shoulders, and stood over him.

"Hey, you, get up," I said. "It's weird if you keep laying down there. Once you're standing up again, tell me who you really are, what you know, and what it is you really do. If you answer me honestly I might consider not beating you up again."

Maybe he solved problems with oddities, like Koyomi does.  
But if he was someone like Kaiki, it'd be bad. I'll just be careful.

"You might consider not beating me up again?" he said. "How merciful. Fine, the question is: _Who am I really_?, right?" He chuckled.

Expectantly, I waited.

"What a dumb question! I've already introduced myself- I am the creative nothing," he decided.

"..."

I kicked him in the ribs.

* * *

He finally stood up, and turned away from me to face the setting sun.

Bathed in orange light, he had one hand in his pocket, while the other still held the small remains of a cigarette. If I didn't know any better, he'd look pretty cool.

"My name is Max Stirner," he said. He sounded serious for once. "I used to be a high school teacher, but, well, it didn't work out."  
He took a drag from his cigarette, and threw it away into my zen garden. I'll let him off this time as to not spoil the mood.  
"Currently, however, I am a full time hunter of spooks and immaterial existences. Nice to meet you."

With that, he turned to face me again, as if he was only now truly introducing himself.

Caught up in the moment, I told him my name too. He nodded silently.  
For some strange reason, I felt like this guy was meant to show up here. And, for some even stranger reason, I think it might not be a bad thing, all in all. He said he hunted spooks... that's ghosts, right? And other immaterial existences? He must be talking about oddities.

If this man's really here to investigate something like the monkey's paw, that'd be a good thing, right? If that's his intention, I'll ring up Koyomi too, and we'll figure something out.

Yeah, that's a good idea.

"Well, I think we should decide on a truce," the man said. "There's still a spook around here, and it needs to be eradicated."

"A truce? I don't feel like we need to decide on a truce just because of a fight over a BL novel, but... Okay. Let's be at peace for now."

We gave each other a wanton handshake, and the man looked satisfied. A bit smug too.

"Well," he said, turning to the open sliding-door, "let's go back into my house to discuss things."

"...Your house?"

"My house."

"..."

Let me just tell you, the peace treaty was broken very quickly.

 **END CHAPTER 1**

* * *

 **Nota bene:**

 **First of all, I'd like to thank everyone who read this all the way to the end.  
** **This story sort of came to me on a whim, and I wrote it in about an hour.  
** **In other words, it doesn't really deserve to exist.  
Stirner is too much of an obscure character too, so not a lot of people will enjoy this properly, I fear.**

 **That being said, thanks for reading! I can't say it enough.  
** **I hope you will keep reading and enjoying the upcoming chapters!**

 **-AA.**


	2. Saint Max

It took some convincing before Stirner returned to the _inside_ of my house. He adamantly insisted the rock in the middle of my zen garden looked like a much better seat than my couch. _H_ _is_ couch, or whatever, to be exact. Whoever owned the couch aside, the fact of the matter is that we paid a high class professional to groom the garden every month, and having it messed up would only raise the maintenance fee. After holding him back by the collar for a while, I persuaded him to cease the pursuit of my garden rock by promising him high class tea only served in Japan. Apparently, he was one of those people who hung around cafés all day in his home country, so he relented. Really, I only had tea from 7/11, which I disliked so much I took a 100 yen can of energy drink for myself instead.

"So, has anyone passed on recently?" he suddenly asked.

I nearly spat out my energy drink.

"No, why?"

The guy thoughtfully peered out my kitchen window.

"Earlier, before I broke in, there was a man dressed in funeral garb, just hanging out around your perimeter wall, but he left before I could ask him anything. I thought maybe you knew him."

A small tingle ran down my spine. This wasn't exactly good. I had my hands full with Stirner; I didn't also want to deal with-

"Kaiki. His full name is Kaiki Deishu, I think. He knows my aunt, that's probably why he's here. I don't like him though."

"How so?" Stirner asked, seeming somewhat interested.

I shrugged, and went back the almost-boiling water.

"He scams kids for a living last thing I heard; does a pretty good job at it too. I think he earns at least a million yen per month. And well, he dresses like someone's died all the time. I don't know why."

"Right, right," the guy said, and took out a notebook. Scribbling, he mumbled: "try to meet up with Kaiki later, make tons of money"

"Excuse me?" I said.  
"Excuse you?" he replied.

"You don't think scamming kids is a good idea, right?"  
"How else will I make money?" he shrugged.

"Not this way! I know what your stance is on manners, but don't you have the honour not to scam kids?"

"Honour?" he asked. "Honour is a twist of the mind that lets people who cheat come out on top, and people who adhere to it end up at the bottom."

Honestly, I didn't expect anything else as an answer. "That's the most cynical way of looking at it, don't you think?" I said.

"It's the most rational way. Think about it: _what if the people who advocate honour the most also cheat the most?_ That'd be pretty bad, wouldn't it? Look at the government, it's full of honourable scumbags."

"You can say that about any authoritative system though."

He chuckled. "And that's why all systems of authority are bad."

I sighed, and saw no more reason to argue. In a sense he was right, I concede.

"Just don't go scamming kids with Kaiki, okay? You don't even know the damn guy," I decided on saying.

"I won't. I just said that I would to get a rise out of you. I wasn't even writing anything down, look, I drew a picture of you instead."

Before I could get miffed, he held up a small page with something that resembled my face scribbled on it, with a chibi looking ghost floating in the background.

"See that?" he pointed out, "that's a spook. It's still haunting you."

"Beautiful," I said.

–

So, as you might have guessed, he was still here. The man calling himself Max Stirner. The self appointed hunter of formless entities and… spooks… I guess? Whatever he calls them, he definitely sniffed out an oddity. Me, in other words. With an ability like that, he is probably very powerful in some way. If all goes well, he might even be able to help me. He didn't show up at my house randomly after all… Or so he says.

Now, that stuff's all fine and dandy but… his personality is annoying, to put it lightly. Normally I'm the boke in a manzai duo, but damn, I definitely got the tsukkomi role this time, with him around.

Right now he was lounging against the fridge's door, while I stared pensively at the kettle of water over the fire. Not because I thought it held any secrets, not because I thought it would give me some new perspective on life… actually, I was only pretending to stare pensively. Truth be told, _staring desperately_ is a better way to describe what I was doing. That is, have something to look at just to avoid the man who was still in my house.

"You gave me a fantastic chop to the head, by the way, Kanbaru Suruga. Do you study martial arts?" he asked suddenly.

"I don't know if I should say thanks to that… In either case, I don't. I do exercise as much as I can though, so I can guess I have enough sheer strength to knock someone out. Or maybe you're just-"

Weak, I wanted to say. I didn't.

When I turned to face him, he was, to put it simply, eating a waffle. _My_ waffle. I was relieved he asked me a normal-ish question and was happy to answer, but… he had taken the last damn waffle in the house, the waffle I'd been saving all this time. I know it's just a waffle, but damn! I pounced him as if my life depended on it.

"First the book, and now this? We already did this gag last chapter! Can't we have something new?" I yelled.  
"Originality is a spook, Kanbaru Suruga! How do you think Nishio Ishin published so many novels? By being original? Ha! Anyway, don't worry about the waffle, it's safe with me!" he said.

"That's too meta! And, really? This was the last waffle I had! Are you heartless? Do you posses no soul- Did you sell it to the devil? _Are_ you the devil? How can you do this?!"

It really was devastating, I can't stress this enough!

"I need this Kanbaru Suruga! Don't you understand anything?" he said, keeping the goddamn waffle as far away from me as possible.

"You need it for what?"

"Spookbusting!"

"How is the waffle going to help with that!?"  
"Everyone needs nutrition, and if I don't get it, I can't bust spooks, Kanbaru Suruga!"  
"Oh? So nutrition _isn't_ a spook?"

"It most definitely isn't!"

The waffle was still outside my reach. Height might be the only physical thing he trumped me in, damnit.  
"Look," I said, still grasping for my foodstuff, "I would've been happy to share this with you if you'd just asked!"

A keen look flashed across his eyes.

"Sharing, you say? I knew you were a socialist!"

Ignoring his bizarre accusation, I jumped up and reached for the waffle's remains. I didn't even want the thing anymore, this was just a case of principle by now.

"At least give me the last bite!" I yelled- in vain. I could've expected this, I suppose. He dropped the last bit into his mouth right before my eyes, and as if extremely satisfied, all life seemed to escape from his body and he just limped back against my fridge.

"Yeah," he said, "I'm definitely ready for spookbusting now."

"About that," I countered, "you say you're here to eradicate, what, an entity?"

He nodded.

"That's strange, because as of now, you've done _remarkably_ little. Other than steal anything you could get your hands on, I mean."

"I can't steal what is already my-"

"So really," I stubbornly continued, "I see no reason _not_ to leave you outside for the trash-men to collect."

"...Anyway," he ignored me, "if that was the last one, we'll just get some more, right?" He brandished a right big magnanimous smile. It seems the trashmen didn't intimidate him.

"I refuse. I don't want to be seen together with you at the supermarket. Or anywhere else either. I have a feeling I'd be the one paying for the waffles in the end too."

"Paying?" he said, with crumbs still stuck to his cheek, "who said anything about paying? The waffles are already mine. _All_ waffles I mean, Kanbaru Suruga- can you imagine?"

"I really can't." 

"I'm not paying for something I already own," he continued, "You didn't pay for this house either, did you? That's crazy!"

"You said it best," I sighed.

Something was definitely crazy here… and it wasn't me.

I didn't want to break yet another truce, so, as grievous a crime as it was, I let the waffle theft slide, and occupied myself with trying to look busy, as an awkward silence fell. I seriously had no idea what to say to this guy, other than to reprimand him. I otherwise hate being a busybody too… But what _could_ I say? I'm interested in the oddity stuff, but to jump the gun and talk about that immediately is not my style… Damn. I wonder what Koyomi would do in this situation. I'd better get him over here as soon as I can.

"Kanbaru Suruga," he said, "I'd say getting finicky over material goods comes dangerously close to being spooky- but the water's boiling over."

The water wasn't the only thing boiling, dammit.

–

I ushered the guy out of the kitchen (so he wouldn't pilfer anything else) and finally got him seated. He insisted on leaning somewhere in a corner of the room, like he said he used to do when he met with friends at a cafe, to look cool. If all his friends shared that sentiment, I suppose the cafés they frequented had to be eight dimensional tesseracts just to fit them all into their own corner…

What the hell am I even thinking about?

The tea I bought at 7/11 was steaming indifferently between us, ignorant of my troubles. I was jealous of that indifference. I wish _I_ was the tea, cheap as it was…

"I can't believe it..." I muttered before I took a sip. I caved in and took it, and finally actually enjoyed this cheap rubbish. Maybe in a twisted revenge kind of way. Serves you right, 7/11 tea. This is what indifference gets you…!

To be honest, I was just trying to keep my mind off of the guy I shared my living room with, the guy who was still wrapped in like two layers of jackets and vests, all contained under an overcoat.

I implored him he take it off like a normal human, but he was persistent in his refusal. I guess he wants to be ready at any time to jump up, strike a pose, and have his coat flutter in the wind.

I sighed again. If sighing really shortens your lifespan, I swear I'll probably be dead tomorrow.

"So!" he said, dragging me out of my inane thoughts instantly, and looked at me from over his glasses, "there's one more thing we need to get out of the way, Kanbaru Suruga. That is, I can't keep calling you Kanbaru Suruga forever. Not in its full form."

He had comfortably settled himself on the couch I had driven him away from just half an hour earlier. Strange how things change in such a short span of time. I'm thanking god he wasn't clutching any of my books this time at least. He complacently crossed his legs and pressed his fingertips together, like we were about to start a very serious discussion. And, in a way, we were. In another way, we totally weren't.

"I guess you can't. Well, maybe you can."

"No. I don't want to keep saying your full name. It's tiring."

"Well? Aren't you all about non-determinism? I doubt you'd listen to me even if I told you what to call me. Just come up with something else."

He stroked his chin.

"Come up with something else? Not a bad idea. My name isn't real either, you know. I made it up. Loosely translated, Max Stirner means big forehead," he pointed at his forehead, looking kinda impish, "cos it's big, see."

It was. Not extraordinarily so. He just had a high hairline. Sort of. More importantly, isn't him making up his own name exactly like a teenager calling himself X _x420N0SC0PExX_ in an online game? It is, isn't it? It's fitting at least, for him. He reminds me of a typical class-rep, actually, though in looks only.

"...so, we can do the same for you," he finished.

"Enlarge my forehead?"

"Give you a new name. But..." he went quiet, and hesitated for a second, "there's nothing really prominent about you at all."

If he's looking down on me, I swear I'll strangle him.

"But we'll figure something out! Isn't rational thought fantastic?" he asked happily, and left me wondering what he considered 'rational' in the first place.  
"Let's see. Name… Kanbaru Suruga. Occupation… student. Age… seventeen. Weight… one hundred pounds- no, one hundred and ten. Three sizes-"

"Hey! Don't go making assumptions about that!" I needed to interrupt his mumbling.

He cocked his eyebrow.

"Why not? Don't they put those sizes on your ID card here in Japan? That's what I've heard. It's not like the numbers would be exactly impressive either in your case either, so really, you don't need to be ashamed- aah! Stop strangling me!"

Honestly, there are lines you can't cross. Isn't he too old to say such things anyway?

"I'm twenty-five," he said while massaging his neck, "but I still feel like I'm fifteen. Anyway, considering everything we've experienced so far, I think the best thing I can call you is…"

Here goes…

"Kanbaru-chan."

"...How about no!"

"Kanbaru-san, then."

"It's too late for that one."

"Kanbaru-gimi?"

"Is this the meiji period?"

"How about Kanbaru-kun?"

"Rejected! Honestly, addressing me as -sama is the only thing you can do now to appease me!"

"Kanbaru-sama then. That seems fine."

"I-I guess it is."

"Then, it's decided."

"Mmh. Yeah. But if you're gonna call me that from now on, I can't keep on calling you _th_ _e_ _guy_ any more either. Well, in the narration I can, but not, like, in dialogue."

"Back at it again with the meta comments! Very good," the guy applauded me, "It's like we're really in a monogatari novel now! Well, anyway, since I worked in a high school, I guess you can call me… _Stirner-sensei."_

"Stirner-sensei? So you really taught in high school, huh? I thought you were lying."

"I'd never. Did I mention it was an _all girl's_ high school, by the way?" he said. 

"You didn't."

A wide grin appeared on his face, "Trust me, it was _awesome."_

…

He cracked his knuckles decidedly. The person now known to me as _Stirner-sensei._

It just doesn't roll of the tongue, does it? I can't really see him as a teacher either. Maybe that's why he quit. Not like it's important to me or anything. There's something else I'd rather talk about anyway- so far it feels like we've been meandering around the focal point and talking about useless stuff instead… which is fine, but only _after_ this admittedly intruiging guy's done what he claims he came here to do.

I guess I'll be the one to escalate the plot. This will take a bit of courage, but I'll have to do it- I can't stay passive after all. I caught his attention by awkwardly calling him by his new honourific.

"Stirner… sensei. Ignoring whatever you had to say about your undoubtedly amazing experiences at the all-girl high school, I have to show you something."

He cocked his eyebrow.

"This," I said, "is probably what you came here for," I continued, and with my left hand I started to undo the bandage over my arm.

"Ah," he said, standing next to me, peering at my arm, "so the plot thickens."

He rubbed his chin, leaned close, and said: "Hmm. I see. Indeed. This clarifies a few things..."

"Really?"

Instead of replying, he stroked my arm, and I twitched. It was indeed rather uncomfortable… but I'll have to abide.

"It is quite soft, isn't it?" he said, and goddamnit I couldn't not blush.

"Leave the appraising commentary out and just tell me what you think, okay?"

"What I think?" he said, straightening himself up, "girl, I think you need to see a doctor about this because I have no idea what the _hell_ is wrong with you!"

"So… what?!"

"Yep, that's the craziest thing I've ever seen. This sure isn't what I was here for." He smirked until I threw the tea-cosy at his face. Call him sensei? To hell with that! This guy is useless after all.

–

I left him alone, lying on the couch, while he was muttering "two anomalies in one house… the plot does indeed thicken… I bet it's the damn anti-Hegelians that did this to her…" and I skulked to my room, and fell back on the pile of books I used as a bed. Languidly I punched Araragi's number into my cellphone. Maybe he can make sense out of this.

–

The living room wasn't empty however. It was a good thing Kanbaru left him- with distinguished grace, Stirner put down his cup of tea, interlocked his fingers, and finally, through the gaps of his hostile-squinted eyes, looked at his adversary. They sat in silence, appraising each other, the way Staling and Roosevelt must have done in Yalta, the way Miyamoto and Kojiro must have done before their final battle. The air was thick with tension.

Across from him, with crossed legs and a chin rested on a sleeve-covered hand, a black haired, black eyed girl smiled elusively.

"Ararara~" she said, "you're here for me, aren't you? How interesting, honestly."

"Indeed I am."

"Well," she said, and her smile spread into a proper grin, "I'm pleased to make your acquaintance."

Stirner stood up, shed his coat with what he thought was an epic gesture, pushed up his glasses, and lit a cigarette in the corner of his mouth.

"Let's not mince words, spook! I have found you, and I'm not letting you go. Prepare to be deconstructed!"


	3. Stirner's Critics

The two people circled each other around in Kanbaru's living room. One with dancer like, feline steps, the other with deliberate, calculated paces.

Stirner's first of many attempts to subdue Ougi, who seemed slippery from the get-go, was simply to pounce. With sleeves fluttering she avoided the straightforward attack, and the ten subsequent ones as well.

"Arara~" she purred, "you're going to have to do better than that if you want to defeat me." Her sleeves pendulous, swinging, "But even then, you're never going to get rid of me." She smiled, and continued: "Honestly, think about it: I'm an established character. Who are you? An interloper. _I_ have to get rid of _you_ , Stirner-senpai."

"S-senpai?" Stirner mumbled.

In his small moment of weakness, she charged at him. Stirner only barely avoided the outstretched arm reaching for his neck and regained his composure.

"I have to do better?" he said, "This is a battle of ideas, spook. Much more so than a battle of dexterity. Do you really think you're going to corner me? I'll have you know I spent every free afternoon at the cafe of _Der Freien._ That's where ideas are tempered. You can't win against that. In the end, you can't win against that."

"What's that? Who's going to win in the end? Hahahaha~ It's me. It was decided before I was even introduced, there is no other way. What's your place in this story? There isn't one. Your presence... how shall I put it? It's meaningless. Everything you do is meaningless."

Stirner froze.

"Nothing will change," she continued, "it's futile, it's fruitless. You will leave no lasting effect on anyone. And why should you? Your own philosophy says so. Egoism, right? You're the creative nothing, you're the only being that matters- What are you doing here then, attempting to help someone else?"

Stirner hesitated. She made him feel weak. "I... I want to help... because..."

"You don't even know, do you? Fufufu~ I didn't expect anything less from someone like you. You already faded into obscurity by the time the century rolled around, senpai. The 20th century is your enemy, Stirner, and the 21st just as much. Philosophy has become a lot more sophisticated. You're left behind. Welcome to the age of derivative literature. Continental philosophy is over."

Stirner closed his eyes. "I want to help... because... it makes me happy."

"Oho~?" Ougi squinted, and whispered: "how meaningless."

She knelt by him, as by now he had fallen to the floor, drained of energy.

"I'll get you," Stirner quietly said. "You're a spook. You shouldn't exist. You don't... exist."

She laughed. "Arara, is that so? You're wrong, senpai. Here: I think-" she smirked, "... _therefore I am._ "

Stirner flinched. There was no arguing with Descartes.

"Now, I _think_ it's time for you to disappear." She reached out a sleeved finger to his forehead.

"No!" Stirner said, and rolled away. "You're wrong! I have plenty of friends in the future of postmodernism! You can't get me down just like this! Albert Camus! I summon your power of absurdism!"

A blinding flash. When Ougi uncovered her eyes, Stirner was up again, now pointing a slightly oxidised revolver at her.

" _Regardez:_ _l_ _'_ _e_ _tranger_ , _mon petit fant_ _o_ _me. En guarde!"_ he said in broken French.

And Ougi had to jump away as Stirner closed his eyes and hammered the trigger. Ougi would from then on have her silhouette outlined with bullet holes in Kanbaru's eastern wall.

"I find my own meaning!" Stirner said. The tides had turned.

"My, my," Ougi said, a bit more uncertain than before. "You've not been sitting still since you died."

"I've read a few things." Stirner conceded.

"Hoho! That may be..." Ougi said, "but you're nothing against the powers of Derrida!" And she pounced, though Stirner didn't budge.  
"Think again you post-structuralist fiend! Gordian Knot!" he exclaimed, channeling the power of the ancient Greeks.

In mid air, Ougi's sleeves got tied together into a tangled mass, and Stirner sidestepped her so she landed with a muffled floof and somersaulted into a supine position. Stirner stood over her. Ougi stared up at him.

"I win," he grinned, and tossed his cigarette away.

"Oh no," Ougi said listlessly, obviously theatrical, though still on the floor, "whatever shall I do? Please spare me."

Stirner's glasses flashed. "Only if you call me senpai again."

* * *

Ougi shifted her weight so that her hips got accentuated, and moved her tied arms above her head so that her skirt hiked up. All in all she resembled the archetype of helpless innocence.

Incidentally, Kanbaru walked in right when Ougi moaned " _please senpai, don't hurt me~"_

"Koyomi didn't pick up his phone so-" Kanbaru was saying, and then she stopped.

A deafening silence fell over the room. Kanbaru's face was blank.

"Yo, what the fuck?" she said, and Stirner promptly legged it.

* * *

Banging on the bathroom door. It was locked.

"Don't worry, you can consider the spook busted, Kanbaru!" Stirner yelled from inside. "I'm not coming out though."  
"Yes you are!" Kanbaru roared. Some heinous stuff had occurred in her absence, she knew that for sure. There were bulletholes in her wall, too. The latter made her the most upset: it would cost a fortune to refit the injured planks. She hadn't found the revolver yet, which had been kicked under the sofa.

"You're going to get out of there before I break the door in so I can beat you up, and then _maybe_ you can explain to me what the _hell_ you were doing with Koyomi's cousin and to my house! Whatever it was, it was _wrong!_ "

"Morality is a sp-" he started, but then the door cracked slightly after a particularly hard bang. Reluctantly he turned the lock on the door.

Ougi's sleeves were still tied. Kanbaru couldn't manage to untwist the sleeves no matter how hard she tried, Ougi was obviously powerless, but Stirner refused to even come close to her.

"Never trust a spook. Especially when they're so tangible and... _clever._ "

"She's not a spook you nutjob!" Kanbaru grumbled, her face buried in her palm. "She's a real person, dammit."

Stirner gave Ougi an incredulous look. "This small ghost went for my throat like a veteran murderer. Malevolent like a demon, she is. This isn't a human... this is a formless entity that... somehow found a body?"

"That doesn't make sense at all," Kanbaru mumbled.

"It will. There has to be a reason for... _her._ And her actions..."

At that point Ougi, who up till then prefferred to passively enjoy the hubbub, spoke up.

"What's life without some amusement, _senpai?_ A cat plays with a mouse. Well, a snake too. And a mouse plays with a meal worm, and a meal worm plays with the dirt, and that's you. It's all amusement, ahahaha~!" Ougi giggled. Stirner caressed his chin in response.

"Hmm... Well perhaps she isn't a spook. Perhaps instead she's just... _spooky._ "

Kanbaru's face remained buried in her palm, but Ougi giggled again. "Yes. You're quite amusing indeed _._ "

And a hint of a smile crept on Stirner's face. He continued: "Spooky she may be, but I guess she's not a spook, then. In that case, I believe I might have been mistaken in coming here." His forehead creased: "strange as that may be. I'll happily accept the loss, and move on, though. Off to the next place that I'm needed."

" _No, no, no_ , you're not going anywhere," Kanbaru said, "you're staying here until Ougi can move her hands again."

"Kanbaru-kun, as impressed as I am at the Thatcher impression, I have to say I'm fully capable of removing my shirt in case I need my hands, I hope you're aware," Ougi said.

"Your shirt stays on, Ougi," Kanbaru said, and that was that. Under the watchful eyes of Stirner she soon found that untying the sleeves was harder than it seemed.

"...I'll hang around for a minute or two, then," he said.

"It's the least you could do after trapping this innocent being." Kanbaru said.

"Innocent?"

"Of course. Look at her." Ougi, doe eyed, stayed quiet, "Nothing but innocent."

"In the end that did seem to be the case... somehow."

"Which begs the question... what the heck were you here for if not for her?"

"What I want to know is what _she_ was doing here," Stirner dodged the question, nodding at Ougi.  
" _I_ was visiting a dear, kind, good-old friend," Ougi said.

"We know each other from school," Kanbaru said.

"Sounds like a watertight alibi," Stirner said.

"A lot more believable than what you've been telling me." Kanbaru said.

"It must've been a fluke, my instinct. I'll leave you two to this and move on to the next target, then."

"Give it up, man, we all know you're not going anywhere, and, damn, can this ever be untied or what?" Kanbaru said, throwing her arms up in defeat. Stirner mulled for a second.

"Have you never heard of the parable of the Gordian knot, Kanbaru-sama?"

She shrugged.

"I've heard of it, Stirner-senpai." Ougi said.

"Good! Then you know the solution to this problem."

"I faintly recall the knot was simply cut into pieces by Alexander the Great. My, my, the Greeks sure were smart," Ougi replied.

"A bit straightforward, perhaps," Stirner said. "Not a big fan of their metaphysics stuff. Anyway, check _this_ out." A knife appeared in his hand, which he twirled around. "Occam's razor. Generally does the job quite well."

With a single slash, the knot was in tatters. Ougi's arms were free... and so was the rest of her body. Her entire shirt had been cut into pieces and fluttered like many cherry blossoms to the floor, her skirt turned to ribbons.

"Arara~ my clothes are gone. It ended up happening anyway," was her only reaction.

"Wha- what? Stirner did you plan this?"

"I swear I didn't! You can accuse me of whatever you please, but not for planning this."

He had averted his eyes to the ceiling, and looked rather embarrassed, so Kanbaru opted to believe him. "Jeez, I can't believe this. This day has been getting weirder and weirder. Hold on Ougi, I'll go get you something to wear."

"No need, Kanbaru. I am absolutely comfortable with this. After all, I still have my gloves. And my lingerie. Thanks anyway."

But Kanbaru had already gone off. "It wasn't an offer! You have no choice!" she yelled from somewhere in the house.

It was true, though. Ougi still had her long black gloves on... and her lingerie, which to Kanbaru to looked more like UNIQLO's discount garments.

During the minute it took for Kanbaru took to find a t-shirt, Ougi lazily swung her arms back and forth while Stirner leaned against the wall, tapping it with his fingers, very conscious to look anywhere except the half-naked girl and her porcelain skin and-

"Here," Kanbaru said while tossing Ougi a large white graphic tee. "Wear that."

' _I heart BL_ 'the shirt said in big, red roumanji.

"Ara, this is incredibly tasteful," Ougi commented. "Tell me, how does it look?"

"It looks terrible," Stirner said, quietly relieved Ougi had gotten dressed.

"Never mind that!" Kanbaru said, red-faced, "you can leave my fashion sense alone for now. Anyway, like I wanted to say earlier, Koyomi's not picking up his phone, and I kinda forgot what I wanted from him anyway."

"Arara, Koyomi always knows what to do doesn't he, that devilish boy?" Ougi said, looking ironically impressed.

"Why don't you come along, Ougi? I don't know if I'm fine with leaving you with Stirner-sensei."

"I'm quite alright actually, thank you very much," Ougi said, already seated with a cup of tea in hand.

"Don't worry, Kanbaru," Stirner said. "I'll be leaving along with you. As I said before: I'm not needed here at all, apparently, so I'll take this opportunity to skedaddle."

"What?" Kanbaru said, "you were serious when you said that?"

"I'm always serious."

"Well... that's debatable. But you can't leave."

"Why not?"

"Because we're barely six-thousand words into this story and we haven't even figured out the main goal of the narrative! We've barely finished up the third act, not the last- nobody'll believe you're really going to leave now..."

"But still, it's the truth," Stirner said. "I have plenty of stuff to do you know. I may not seem like it, but there's a few things I need to attend to. There's this girl Nadeko, you see. She's quite a handful. Lives close by, I think. Have you heard of her?"

"..."

"I guess not," he said, when Kanbaru didn't reply. She looked miffed. To his mild surprise, she told him to follow him to the door then, to which she walked with stiff steps. He followed.

Alone, Ougi calmly blew steam off of her tea. A bit satisfied, she grinned, just to herself.

* * *

"Stirner..." Kanbaru said, facing away from the man, toward the door. They were in the hall, out of earshot of the spooky little specter. "I-I don't really wanna say this at all but... Well, even though it was Ougi you ended up attacking... Or- or maybe she attacked you. Whatever. E-even though it was the wrong person... you managed to subdue her, which is quite cool and all. I mean she's a force to be reckoned with and- what am I saying?" She clenched her fist. "Right. What I'm trying to say is that... w-well, you're obviously the real deal. And though Ougi ended up not being a problem, maybe you can help me with that other thing..."

She finicked around with the bandage on her arm.

Stirner exhaled, and chuckled, a bit surprised. "Well," he said. "If it makes you happy, then I suppose it makes me happy as well. Of course I'll help. Whatever it is, I'll see what I can do. Now go fetch your boyfriend. Perhaps it's a good idea to go see him regardless of whether or not he's needed."

"What!? He's not my boyfriend... Yet." And with that she quickly ran out and slammed the door. Pocketing his hands, Stirner slowly shook his head, a grin still on his face.

* * *

He again sat down across from Ougi, fingers interlocked.

"My, my. Did she say anything exciting to you?"

"More or less," Stirner said.

"Let me guess," Ougi said, sipping tea, "it was something incredibly emotional that made you decide to stay here. What a contrived bit of drama crammed in right at the end. Is this what they call a cliff-hanger?"

"You're too savvy for your own good," Stirner said.

"Arara, you're not bad yourself, senpai. That aside, have you figured it out yet? Why I'm here?"

Stirner remained silent.

"It's her arm, of course. It's causing her more trouble than it should."

"So it seems."

"You're quite perceptive, by the by," Ougi said, "You noticed it while most do not: I am indeed not quite human-"

"I smelled you from a mile away," Stirner said, "like Bill Oddie would a beaver." Ougi's eyebrow twitched.

"-I'm not quite human indeed," she continued, "but I hope that won't stop you from partnering up for now."

"I don't see why not. Also, I must say I'm impressed with your performance earlier," Stirner said, "not many can corner me like you."

Ougi smiled. "That means a lot, coming from you, senpai."

Stirner declined to comment, instead lighting another cigarette. A silence remained. Ougi finished her tea, miasmic smoke around her. In between the twirling furls of ashen smoke clouds her dark round eyes turned omnipresent, ventablack, and penetrating, ready to siphon out your soul and keep it. She put the cup down with a large, elusive smile.

"Arara... Look at us: best friends... Right then. Status quo restored."

Stirner nodded slowly. "Back to where we started."

* * *

A bit later Ougi, with confidential tone, asked Stirner something while spreading her borrowed t-shirt taught: "say, this ' _BL_ ' that's written here. What, exactly, does it stand for?"


End file.
